On the Couch with CA

Hello, it has been a while since I have hung out in this space.  I was chatting to my best friend this morning and decided I needed to tell you about her.   My best friend has been around all my life, through all my ups and my downs and no matter how bad things got, she never left me.   We have had many fall outs or disagreements on various subjects, but we have remained friends throughout.  That is what a good friend is.  They don't leave you when the road gets rough.  They stick around to keep you company and to encourage you along the way.  When we hang out together just for fun, then we think about our young days and how carefree we were.  Sometimes we laugh about the silly things we did, so much so that the tears roll down our cheeks.   We talk about all the dangerous things we did like walking for kilometres along the road from our house in Walmer Estate to Camps Bay beach and back.  We could have taken a bus but ...

I am busy burning bridges I am busy building bridges I am busy reconstructing bridges I am, I am... I am so sick of I am! So I have decided to use this space to tell your stories. If you have a story to tell that can help change someone else's life then I would like to spend some time with you on the couch (whether in person or by cyber) getting to know your story and then sharing it with the rest of the world. As you know the world is an extremely small place, and so if you would like to stay anonymous you are most welcome to do so. I look forward to hearing from.

... in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.  This is the doctrine of trinity I was brought up on as a Catholic.  Religion, a topic of discussion which has been haunting me for a while, as it somehow stirs up many different emotions for different people and I have being trying my best to steer clear of this topic as to avoid another unnecessary "war" .  Yes war, as somehow, whether big or small it ends up being a war of some sorts all because there is a lack of tolerance and respect for each other's culture, beliefs and way of life.   My belief, and let me stress this - it is my belief - not someone else's theory (but based on what I have read and understand) religion to be.   Many centuries ago, the Bible was written by some scholars sitting in some monastery somewhere with a pile of scrolls of stories that were told through the ages and handed down from generation to generation.  Along the way the storie...

I have decided that it is time to just face up to it, that there is just no two ways about who and what I am.    It was the morning of Sunday the 22 June 2014 and I was all excited about heading out with my Keep On Moving partners, Zita and her mother Sandy to pick up some youngsters from Valhalla Park for our monthly hike, when I was faced with a flat tyre after loading the car with my bags.  At first I thought, do I fix this myself or do I call a friend (male), to come and do the job, then I decided against that idea, and just unloaded the car and pulled out the jack and the spare tyre. It was not the first time having to change a tyre and it probably would not be the last, but today was not a good day to be doing this, as I was not feeling 100% while trying to recover from the flu.  My energy levels were not up to the task at hand.  Nonetheless with the last of the energy I had left in me I managed to cha...

There is not too much to say, but behind all the laughter there is a whole lot of tears. The last three months have been pretty awesome and it made me realise that I do deserve the best that life has to offer me. So it was with great sadness I had to accept that something wonderful was not meant to be because of some miscommunication (if that is the real reason).  But whatever, it does not matter right now, it is what it is and life goes on. Worrying about the could haves, would haves and what ifs, is not going to change the destination already planned for me by a more powerful force. Every person and experience that comes along this journey that I am on, is all part of a greater plan.  Some people will stay and some will leave and all I can do is thank them, wish them well, and wave them goodbye.  Of course there has been and will still be a few, I will just breathe a sigh of relief when I see the back of them, but most of all the ones who impacted positively o...

It has been a while since I last put my fingers to the keyboard other than doing my job, a job I get paid for.   Doing what I do best on a personal level is what I refer to as my purpose in this life and that is the business of living and making use of the various talents I have of which I have plenty.   I recently got asked by a very special person who I have great admiration for, what it is like to know your purpose and my answer was expressed with much difficulty that it brought me to tears. I just blamed the tears on the sparkling wine we were drinking over some candlelit dinner with Tchaikovsky in the background.   When you know your purpose for living then it can be quite daunting at times but also very rewarding having to accept that no matter what you really want for yourself is not necessarily what you are going to get.  The reality is that I have to accept certain outcomes whether it is good or bad. And not that it...

The road to Democracy ends here. South Africa stands at the brink of a new dawn on 7 May 2014, twenty years after our first democratic election, and it will not be as exciting as that day on 27 April  in 1994, if at all it will be a sad day for many of us.  Many who stood firm in  their belief that the Party we held dear to our hearts will take this country forward in a way that would benefit all its people, no matter what party they voted for.  For that is what democracy is about,  "A Government of the People, For the People, By the People" .    Democracy is not a slogan to use loosely, because it sounds good, it is a powerful word which should be respected by all, whether you are a leader or someone aspiring to be one.    I joined a hike organised by Keep on Moving www.facebook.com/groups/210709115769040 in collaboration with various other hiking groups from Cape Town with its main purpose of...

Update on "A Million Pieces of Blame"   After my last blog I was not sure how I was going to top the "Dear Daughter" letter as it had shot my viewership ratings up within minutes.  I knew that I was not alone in the single-parent boat having to deal with a difficult child/teenager/adolescent but I did not expect to hear that co-parenting households were experiencing the same problems.    The update on the letter to my daughter clearly made some impact on her and the very next day she enrolled for an interior design course via correspondence all on her own.  The books have arrived and she is hopefully on the road to her future.    May it be as colourful and exciting as she would like it to be, and may the potholes she comes across be filled with gold.   Connecting the Dots   On a recent coffee break with a "blast from the past" , and I mean all of a life-time from childhood acquaintance, not someone I dated, or ...

The following letter is dedicated to all the mothers and fathers who find themselves in my shoes. "Dear Daughter Contrary to what you believe, that I am controlling you, the reality is that I have no control over you. You have constantly blamed me for all your downfalls and reminders that you did not ask to be here.  Well guess what?  Neither did I ask to be here, but as a single parent I am trying to do the best I can with what I have in the circumstances I find myself.  The world is full of blamers but we don't all hold who we think is responsible for our downfalls as hostages, hoping that we are going to get ahead in life.  We pick ourselves up from out of the darkness we find ourselves in and try to make light of the situation as best we can.  There is enough war in the world as proof of everyone blaming each other for something or the other, we do not need it in the home. Those days of you trying to blame me for dropping ...

I am at a loss for words once again, even though there is so much I could talk about, but it would just be the same old tune with different lyrics.   So dear readers, without wasting any of your precious time, let me put my cyber-pen down for a while and have a conversation with me, myself and I as my personalities are at loggerheads with each other about what to do and how to feel.    This is really a confusing time and I don't want to confuse any of the people around me.  So if I disappear for a while, don't feel like you are being neglected, I am just trying to decide which foot to put forward first and both of them seem to be stuck.   Now don't you go too far - I might just show up when you least expect me.    

It has been a while, well, all of about two weeks since I last wrote anything in this space.    So much has been happening in my life in the last few weeks (and all positive) I am happy to report.    The business of letting go has freed me from the shackles that have been keeping me back from moving forward.   As you might remember I made a conscious decision at the end of 2013 that I was not going to have a repeat of what came before and almost did a few days into the new year, but came to my senses very quickly.  I am so glad I stuck with my decision as tough as it was in the beginning, over  Time it became a little easier to let go.   Far too often, as I wrote recently on my FB wall, we spend too much energy on waiting and thinking about what could have, would have or should have been, when we should just be letting go and moving forward.  If something is meant to be, then it will be.  If not, then all that time you ...

Recently our local radio station had a discussion about Matric Balls (end of High School Dance) and it reminded me of my disastrous Matric Ball way back in 1984. It was not so much the function itself that was a problem, but everything else that had lead up to that moment, and the subsequent ending. For many months I knew what I wanted to wear and had designed my own dress which was going to be made by a friend's grandmother.  It was going to be a long black satin dress with a bit of white trim.  My partner was a mystery until basically the very last minute.  I just did not have the courage to ask the one person I would have loved to have gone with me.  Instead I asked a number of other guys and their subtle let-downs did a hell of lot for my confidence going forward.  From thereon out I just did not feel good enough and decided having a boyfriend was not what I needed. Anyway getting back to my dress and who was going to go with me....

It was a sweltering, hot, midsummer's night (no not Shakespeare's mid summers night), it was the one in the middle of summer in South Africa.   I hovered around in the dark anxiously waiting for my victim to arrive, as I was going to pounce upon her when she least expected it.   Hours had passed since night had fallen and still she had not come into her bedroom.  What was keeping her, I thought.  I am already feeling so parched, but I dare not leave my hiding place as she might see me.   There was a flash of light and I became slightly blinded by it as my eyes had become accustomed to the darkness behind the curtain.   I was just relieved that she had finally arrived and she was going to get into bed where I was going to attack her.  I would still have to wait until she was asleep before I could make my move though.  I did not want her to have the upper hand if she was to detect my presence.   Another hour had p...

My Grandmother, Mabel Isobel Hutton (AKA Ma, Aunty Bell or Mrs Hutton) Unless we acknowledge our past, we will not be able overcome that which pains us the most. The following story was written two years ago in remembrance of the forced removals out of District Six. "I am actually flabbergasted by the birthday wishes on the District Six page of Facebook.   Today is not District Six ( "D6" ) birthday.  Today is actually a reminder of the death of D6 when it was declared an area for whites only 48 years ago.  A very sad part of our history which should never be repeated.    The forced removals of D6 was the beginning of the breakdown of the Cape Town community, forcing families apart.  Turning neighbours into strangers and gangs into the new Marshall Law.    What I remember from growing up in D6 (all of thirteen years), was that the streets were our playgrounds.  We played lots of different games which involved sticks,...

  If ever you thought that fainting is like Swan Lake's dying swan, just quickly discard that thought, because believe me, it is more like one of Quinton Tarantino's gory movies.   Prior to Saturday, I was not feeling well and could feel that my body was telling me something major was about to happen to me.  Take note - listen when your body speaks, because if you don't, it is going to come back to bite you in the you know where - literally and figuratively.   Anyway in the early hours of Saturday morning, the bathroom was calling me with vengeance and I was not sure if I was suppose to sit or stand.  Anyhow, whatever was wanting to get  out of me, got out, both through the backdoor and the front door at the same time.   PS - are you still with me on this, or are you on the floor rolling with laughter?    This went on for a while and then I cleaned myself up and got back into bed only to be joined a few minutes later...

I finally got to see Mandela's Long Walk to Freedom on the big screen and it brought back memories of a very hard journey that my country South Africa ( "SA" ) went through and moments of nostalgia when elections came around in 1994.  Some of the journey I got to experience as a child, a youth and as a young adult in turbulent SA. 1976 brought about the Soweto uprising followed by many boycotts of SA products across the world.  I will never forget one day just after school when I stood with two of my siblings on the stoep (porch) with my grandmother, when some army men drove past and pointed their guns at us in a joking manner.  It was definitely no joke looking at their guns.   In the 80s  I participated in a school boycott and quickly got to understand what the "fight"  was all about in SA.  It did not take me long to get involved in organising and participating in youth rallies.  I was more of a behind-the-scenes pe...

  A week into the new year and I was almost back into 2013, but thankfully quickly came to my senses and pulled myself out of it.  I have made a promise to myself that I am not going to allow myself to be emotionally bullied.   People who make choices that don't take your feelings into consideration and still expect you to be there for them are not worth having in your life.  It was a very tough decision to make on my part to walk away but walk away is what I am doing.    Life is not always an easy ride, but it can be an enjoyable one, when you have all the right people in your life.    We need to take ownership of our own lives before we can take responsibility for someone else's.  It has taken me a long time to realise that I cannot control the world but I can let the world sit back and watch how I enjoy my life even when lemons are thrown at me.  What the world does not realise is that I love lemons. Mouth w...

So I made it pass the midnight hour in one piece. I welcomed the arrival of the New Year by myself on the couch and then slowly dozed off and awoke to a quiet world.   I guess all the party-goers are still in dreamland. It has been a while since I blogged anything and I feel a bit at a loss for words even though there is so much I would like to say. 2013 has come and gone and although it was emotionally challenging, I somehow feel a lot stronger than the year before that.  The challenge I now face is letting go and to concentrate on me, because the only person in this point in time who finds me important, is me.  Sure I have friends who are looking out for my well-being but they are not the ones having to walk in my shoes (when they are not broken) everyday.  They have their own lives to live. Every year we make a list of our new year’s resolutions and every year most of us still repeat the same things we were hoping to change or let go of.  I hope ...